The Southern Cross | October 2024

Considering moving into retirement or residential living? In the second of our relocation series, KATIE SPAIN chats to Norwood parishioner Carmen O’Brien about her experience.

Carmen O’Brien moves through the world with a spring in her step and a twinkle in her eye. The grandmother of four counts every day as a blessing and isn’t about to waste a minute.

As she tends to plants in her small but lovely backyard garden at Southern Cross Care’s Coach House Mews in Myrtle Bank, Carmen chats about a life well-lived.

“I am of Portuguese and Macau ancestry,” she says.

“I happened to be born in Japan because my great grandfather was the Consular General for Portugal and my parents decided to live in Japan for a few years. We lived there until I was 11 and then went to Hong Kong for my secondary education.”

Carmen called Hong Kong home for 16 years before moving to Australia.

“My first husband Carlos and I married in Hong Kong and had our children in Australia,” Carmen says.

“My daughters are 50 and 54 now. Carlos and I were married for 21 years before he died suddenly of a heart attack when the girls were nine and 13.”

Carmen, who was in her 40s at the time, vowed never to wed again. Six years later, a friend from her Saint Ignatius’ College workplace offered to set her up with a widowed pal from Melbourne.

“We met on this blind date that I didn’t want to go on…it was love at first sight. Michael had five children, most of whom were living independently by then, so he went back to Melbourne and we corresponded over the telephone and caught up every few weeks. We got engaged 12 months later and married in Adelaide.”

The couple had many blissful years together in their Rostrevor home and during her career, Carmen spent 16 years as a personal assistant to three principals at Saint Ignatius’ College, Norwood.

“I loved my job, particularly because of the students, especially the cheeky ones.”

After retiring, she found it challenging to go from mixing with 200 people a week to few interactions.

“We had a painter in to paint the house at the time and I used to annoy him because I wanted conversation.

“He’d come down the ladder and I’d be waiting with morning tea because I wanted to chat,” she says.

“That happened three times a day and, in the end, my husband said, ‘let him do the job!’. It made me realise I needed to be busy.”

For the past 21 years Carmen has participated in Fitness in the Park classes.

“I meet twice a week with a group of ladies and after exercising we go out for a coffee and solve the world’s problems.”

Carmen also spent many years volunteering as a city guide.

“I love Adelaide,” she says. “Particularly Adelaide Central Market. It’s the best market in Australia. My husband and I went every Thursday for a meal and would bring a takeaway home.”

Carmen continues to visit Adelaide Central Market regularly and often joins her family for yum cha at Empress on Greenhill Road.

“I still cook for my family; we get together every fortnight but we don’t do it here at home because I like to come home to a clean house.”

When the time came to downsize and move to Southern Cross Care
12 years ago, the effort was worth it.

“When we sold the house, I wanted the new people to have the backyard spotless when they moved in. I went to clear all the leaves from the backyard and filled the bin with them on the Friday…by the Monday the yard was full of leaves again. It made me realise I couldn’t live there anymore; all that bending down was like an affirmation, and I knew we’d done the right thing by moving.”

Her advice for relocation is simple.

“Move in your early 70s because if you move too late, you may not have the energy,” she says. “You’ll also have more of a chance to mix with people socially. We settled in when we were youngish and got to know people and join the activities. We have many social events like music and trivia but if you want to keep to yourself you can. You’re never lonely though. Michael used to sing as part of the Vintage Voices and used to take residents on walks around the park.”

She says a positive mind is essential, especially when decluttering.

“We got rid of some of the big furniture, and then had to buy apartment-sized furniture and I felt like a new bride buying new carpet and curtains. It was exciting. Don’t forget, you can bring your photographs and your memories.

“People think that when they come here, it’s all over but you have to take your blinkers off.  Ageing is a fact of life.”

A member of the St Ignatius Church at Norwood, Carmen’s faith has always been important.

“I’ve been with the Jesuits for 16 years during my time at the school, so I have a strong connection to them there,” she says. “My religion is my roadmap.”

Never so much as when former accountant Michael began to show signs of dementia.

“I believe there are 37 varieties of dementia and unfortunately, one out of four people get it. Michael is one of them,” Carmen says.

“Dementia Australia has been very helpful, and their carers group helped me to understand what to expect.”

Michael now lives at Southern Cross Care’s Carmelite Residential Care, which is located onsite, just a few hundred metres from Carmen’s home so she can visit him every day.

“The first two months he was crying and I was crying…but I’m not the only pebble in the ocean. After transitioning, Michael is now very settled and happy. I think that’s because he’s hardly in his room. He has all his meals in the dining room and the lifestyle department puts on a Friday bus trip. They have activities for everything; the Olympics, the King’s birthday lunch, Father’s Day, afternoon tea, quizzes, games, morning Mass and entertainment like an orchestra or a comedian. The meals are also excellent.”

She smiles.

“God does things for a reason. He gave us life and fortunately I’m in good health but with Michael, I have to accept that he’s in a good place, and I thank the Lord for that.”